j.s.

I got hit with the DeathSick last Saturday morning, so I’ve been down for the count for the past week.

I haven’t been updating because sleeping for 15 hours a day doesn’t lend itself to interesting bloggy anecdotes, not to mention I’ve been so dizzy I couldn’t even stand up without wobbling like a dashboard hula doll. I’ve leveled out over the past couple days though, and am starting the climb back to my normal operational altitude.

Right now I’m at that point where I don’t really feel well, but I’m so tired of being sick that I’m just going about things as if I were healthy…and doing them all half-assed because I’m in a flu-stupor.

The DeathSick sucks, people. Stay away from it.

Seriously, how is the flu possible in June? This is boolsheet.

Anyway, I’m off to freebase some mentho-lyptus. I’ll be back as soon as I’m on the mend.

j.s.

Hell. Yes.

That, “it’s been a long time…” gave me chills. (I’m a geek; I know.)

Glad to see there’s something worthwhile happening at E3 this year. Although to be honest I’m not so sure about that little British-sounding “Personality Sphere.” =\

It seems a bit too “Jar Jar” for such a darkly comedic setting.

j.s.

“They were just lucky. USA will never be good at soccer.”

“You don’t have the league quality for it and therefore won’t ever get to the kind of standard required for winning the world cup. Your only hope lies in those players playing in British and European teams so that they are against world quality players at all times.”

“that goal was such a fluke”

“they didn’t score because of a smart execution of strategy, grace and a precise powerful kick.”

“Let the baby have their bottle, England will go further in the competition.”

Now if they’d just stop with those damnable vulva horns, I might actually watch the next match…

j.s.

And it’s a classic, but you might not have seen it…

Turtle Fence

j.s.

Not to mention Jack White looks a lot like Dr. Frankfurter…

Anyway…

So “Blue Blood Blues” opens strongly enough, but all that momentum is lost on the following track, “Hustle & Cuss,” which I found to be repetitive and generally pretty boring.

“The Difference Between Us” revisits the blend of distortion rock, funk and blues that attracted me to The Dead Weather in the first place, then sets things up for what is easily the best song on the album, and arguably their song to date, “I’m Mad.”

The first minute is the perfect prelude to a fucking incredible bridge, which happens at roughly 1:40. If robotic clones of Marlene Shaw, Otis Rush, and the members of Slint collaborated at the 30th St. Studio, this is what it would sound like…just before the universe imploded from such a singularity of awesomeness.

Suck on that referencing, Pitchforkwits…

j.s.

16 and 32 gig models will cost $199 and $299 respectively, and are available in both white and black

I own a 3GS model, and as I write this I’ve used exactly 2 of its total 16 gigs of space. As such, 32 gigs seems to be a bit of overkill, but your mileage may vary. Oh, and I think any object that gets handled as much as the average iPhone does should never be offered in white.

Thinner than the current 3GS model, and most other phones on the market

This one is an excellent perk for those of us who keep our phones in our pockets. And while I’m on the subject, if you’re one of those unfortunate souls who think holstering your phone on your belt like a Sig Sauer is a great idea, please stop purchasing my electronic devices and go back to the things you know. Like Bluetooth earpieces, compact discs, and your AOL email.

Higher resolution imaging

960 x 640 resolution. Not a lot to say here other than it’s about damn time. Most other phones were making the iPhone look silly in this category. And since they’re planning to stream Netflix to iPhones soon, it had to happen.

Longer battery life

Another welcome addition, although I’ll believe it when I see it. Besides, given how quickly my current iPhone loses its charge, this isn’t exactly a quantum leap in electrical engineering.

Gyroscope

Outside of the obvious gaming potential, the interaction with the “street view” on Google Maps and other apps interests me a great deal.

Front Facing Video Camera

Yep, that’s it. The most exciting part of the whole deal. Video phones have always been an indicia of living in “the future.” Like flying cars, robotic servants and lycra jumpsuits. Sure, it will only work if the person on the other end has an iPhone 4. And yeah, it requires a wi-fi connection. (It won’t run on the AT&T network.) But it’s still pretty goddamn awesome.
C’mon, you know you’re feeling me here…

So, the answer you’ve been waiting for is “yes, I’m going to purchase the new iPhone.”

And, given that AT&T is allowing just about everyone to renew their contracts if they buy one, odds are you will too…

So I guess I’ll see you on the 24th.

j.s.

So I did indeed attend the aforementioned Pro Tour Qualifier tournament on Saturday morning, and it was strangely comforting to see that Magic players haven’t changed a bit during the decade hiatus that I’d taken from the game.

They’re still either rail thin or grossly overweight, with little variance in between the two. They’re still unabashedly geeky, and say things like, “even at one more white mana cotht, Banethlayer Angelth would thtill be totally imbalanthed…” with an earnestness that’s equal parts adorable and repulsive.  And, unfortunately, they still smell fucking awful. Seriously. Although I’m beginning to think their nerdstench might actually be a strategic tactic…a rudimentary form of chemical warfare, designed to unsettle and aggravate their opponents. Alas, as has been covered previously, I really don’t exude such unpleasant smells. However, if this trend of stinkiness continues, I’m thinking about styling my hair with rotten egg mousse, and spritzing my wrists with month-old mozzarella water in an effort to even the field.

Anyway, the tournament…

165 people crammed their way into a hobby shop in Katy, each with the lofty hope of winning airfare to Amsterdam and a shot at the Pro Tour. (Yes, there are people in the world who do nothing but play Magic: the Gathering for a living.) I, in contrast, was well aware that I never had a shot at winning such a prize since I’ve only played 5 full games of Magic since coming back to it in April. My real interest in being there was for the tournament practice, and to glean information about the meta-game being played at that level currently.

ROUND ONE

I go up against a “Mythic Conscription” deck.

GAME ONE

GAME TWO

GAME RECORD: 0 – 2

MATCH RECORD 0 – 1

ROUND TWO

I go up against the Blue/White “control” deck, which I’ve heard is the deck to beat in the current Magic scene.

GAME ONE

I lose after a couple turns of taking a 6/6 Gideon to the face, and getting only one Howling Mine.  Starting to think I might be out of this place early…

GAME TWO

I get three Howling Mines in my opening hand, and I start to feel a bit more confident.  I make a couple plays, things start falling into place, and by the fifth turn I Runeflare Trap the guy for 18 damage, then Lightning Bolt him for the rest.  I finally get a win.

GAME THREE

I  sideboard in everything, and remove all my high casting cost stuff.  He, in turn, sideboards out all of his creature removal.  Perfect.  The last thing he expects on the first turn is to be getting hit by a Goblin Guide.  Turn two sees the Kiln Fiend, which apparently he’s never seen before since he stops and looks at it for a while.  Turn three I Lightning Bolt, then cast two Distortion Strikes, which puts him down to one.  He draws, looks confused for a moment about how he possibly could’ve lost to a deck that he’d never seen before, and concedes defeat.

GAME RECORD: 2 – 3

MATCH RECORD:  1 – 1

Oh, I forgot to mention this! One of their judges was wandering by and happened to be watching our second match.  At one point he barks “STOP!” during my turn and I pause and look up at him with what I’m sure was a rather startled look on my face.

“Yes?”
“I’m going to have to issue you an official infraction for failing to draw from your Howling Mine.”
“What?  Oh, I forgot to draw?”
“Yes, you did,” as he starts to write something down, “what is your name?”
I tell him, and after he jots a few more things down on his clipboard I’m informed that, “this infraction will go down on your permanent record.“   It’s everything I can do not to reply with, “Oh yeahh?  Well don’t get so distressed…did I happen to mention that I’m impressed?“  But, the kid is about 20 years old, and he’s unlikely to have even heard of the Violent Femmes, nevermind be able to quote their lyrics, so I apologize to my opponent, draw my extra card, and we go on about our game.  (The very same opponent had forgotten to draw from the Howling Mine twice before that, and I simply smiled and reminded him…)

ROUND THREE

Another Blue/White Control deck.  And now that we’ve been here for a few hours, the air-conditioning starts to lose ground against both the heat outside, and the body heat generated by 165 stressed-out and unwashed geeks inside.  The room gets starts to get humid and thick, so much so that my opponent, a frail Asian kid with a toothpick in his mouth, becomes nauseated and excuses himself to the restroom to vomit before the match even starts.

GAME ONE

The deck works exactly as planned, and I trounce him on turn 5 after a couple Time Warps and a Twincasted Runeflare Trap.  He looks as confused as the first guy did, and he too starts to remove all of his creature destruction.  I put the Fiends and Guides in and cackle quietly.

GAME TWO

The Kiln Fiend starts to wreck shop, and he takes lethal damage from a Soul’s Fire on turn six.  He tries to Cancel it, I Dispel the Cancel, he mutters something grabs his deck and walks away.  I sit there for a moment, shocked that this random deck, and my lack of tournament experience, have somehow combined to win even 2 matches.

GAME RECORD 4 – 3

MATCH RECORD 2 – 1

ROUND FOUR

Up against yet another Blue/White Control deck, although this time there are a few more counterspells involved.

GAME ONE

I mulligan down to six cards, and draw almost the exact same hand as I had the first time.  Horrid, but I roll with it.  I miss land drops on turn 2 and 3, and that proves to be too much for me to recover from.  The Baneslayer comes in, pounds me into pudding, and I concede.

GAME TWO

For whatever reason, I decide to sideboard in the creatures.  This proves to be a foolhardy decision.   I drop a Kiln Fiend, pound him for 9 on turn 3.  Turn 4 he drops a Jace, the Mind Sculptor, and then proceeds to unsummon my Kiln Fiend for three straight turns.  The Jace finally dies on the fourth turn and he plays…another Jace.  This one unsummons the same Kiln Fiend three more times before I drop a second Fiend, but by that time he’s ready to swat me with a Baneslayer again and I go down in flames.  That goddamn Jace card is an all-star in this format…

GAME RECORD 4 – 5

MATCH RECORD 2 – 2

ROUND FIVE

My opponent is running the much ballyhooed “Jund” deck.  I’ve never actually seen one in action, so I’m actually interested in how my deck will stack up against it.

GAME ONE

Alas, I didn’t even get a chance to see how my deck would fare on this first game because I drew horribly, mulliganed to six, and drew even worse cards that time.  Apparently he did as well as we spent the first 7 turns basically dropping lands and telling the other one, “I’m done; go.”  He eventually drops some creatures and burn spells on me and I die without ever really doing anything worthwhile.

GAME TWO

I draw two Howling Mines, a Runeflare Trap, Twincast, Ponder, and two lands on my opening hand, so I’m happy and starting to think that this game will go my way.  And it certainly starts to…but then I fuck it up.  As I start turn five I have my two Howling Mines in play, and again I forget to draw more than one card.  This time, because I didn’t get an Island on that first draw, I tap to cast a Trapmaker Snare and aim for a kill at the start of the turn seven.  But just then I remember the Mines, draw my two more cards…and of course one of them is a fucking Island….the  one thing I needed to Twincast my Runeflare Trap and win the game at the start of his next turn.  But I’ve already made the mistake and tapped the mana, so I didn’t even try to take it back.  Instead I trapped him for 10 on the following turn, and he responded by Maelstrom Pulsing both of my Howling Mines and starting to drop cascading creature/spells.  The Jund-ness starts to roll, and I went down on the next turn.

GAME RECORD 4 – 7

MATCH RECORD 2 – 3

At this point, it’s almost 4:00pm, the temperature is topping 85 degrees in the tournament tables room, and I’m mentally fried from concentrating on these games for 7 hours straight, so I decide to call it a day.  Sure, there were three more rounds to go, and I probably could’ve ended up at .500 if I’d stayed.  But I was kinda missing Sobriquet, and I’d promised to take her out to dinner that night for pwning her TAKS test instruction.  (91% of her students passed the test, vs. I think an 84% average for the entire school district’s English departments.)

So I pack up my deck, sign my sheet…

and I head home.

I shower, shave, and generally clean myself up, then Sobriquet and I head to Mi Luna for tapas and sangria.  As we’re walking back to the car we randomly decide to stop at “Candy HQ” for SweetTarts, caramels and gummi fruit, after which we go back to the house to curl up on the couch and make fun of whatever happens to be on the television.

Tonight, it’s The Empire Strikes Back.

Ever noticed that the Empire top brass have Dentyne packs on their uniform pockets?  For example, this guy’s rocking cinnamon and “Arctic Chill.”

Conversely, the Rebel Alliance denote their rank by the number and flavor of Sucrets on their lapels.  This, for example, is a General.

I thought this rather clever of the Rebellion, since it’s always cold/flu season on Hoth.

Yes, welcome to watching TV with me.  It’s got to be irritating as hell for my poor fiancee to hear me make asinine and esoteric comments about everything that happens on the television…

Anyway, that was Saturday.  Sunday we went to the Galleria to do a bit of shopping for Sobriquet.  We swung through Betsey Johnson (blech),  rifled the racks at Max Azria, and settled on a couple casual tops from Kenneth Cole.  Then we dropped by 19th Street in the Heights (right around the corner from our house), to pick up my little brother’s 30th birthday present.

Just to the right of that shop in the foreground is a large antique store that had a framed reproduction of the “Patton” movie poster (in VHS tape cover size), next to which were the autographs of both Karl Malden and George C. Scott.  (I know…I’m an awesome older brother.  You can say it.)


Memorial Day I got up and headed to the gym for my new workout regimen. Oh, this bodes explanation doesn’t it? I had my annual “fitness assessment” last week, and my trainer looked like she was going to slap me when I got on the scale and it read “231 lbs.”
“231!”
“Yeah, I know…”
“What have you been eating? Has your diet changed?”
“Um, no. I’m eating the same thing as I was the last time we measured me.
“Well you weighed 207 when you came in here last year!”
“Really?”
“Here, let me check your body fat…”

She does so, notes with confusion that my fat levels seem to have gone down somehow, then plugs all the measurements into the computer. At this point she (quite literally), dropped her clipboard when the computer output stated I’d put on 24 lbs. of muscle in one year of working out. /flex

I still need to cut some more fats out of my diet (I’d be a lot more defined if I did), but I’m pretty happy about adding over one-tenth of my total body weight in muscle, in just one year.

Anyway, I finished up my new workout routine, then lounged out by the pool for an hour-and-a-half, and then headed back home to clean up before heading to D’s birthday dinner at Houston’s.


That’s right, bleuxpee.  I went from a Magic: The Gathering tournament, to a tapas bar, to Star Wars, to designer couture shopping, to antique stores, then to my new workout at the gym…in 2 days.

And yes, I’m aware of all the potsherds in my wake.  They’re what’s left of the molds that I routinely shatter.

Watch your feet.

j.s.

Yes, I’m willingly wading into swaths of unwashed geek dander, all to play a goofy ass card game. (Although I suppose it’s no worse than the booze/cigarette stink of a poker tournament.)

Now this will mean absolutely nothing to 99% of you, but I’ll be playing a deck that relies on Kiln Fiends, Distortion Strikes, Lightning Bolts and Soul’s Fire.

I’ll try to take some pictures of the unabashed nerddom and upload them while I’m out there.

I’m happy to take any graces of luck you’d care to cast my way, although I don’t know if they’ll be of much good. I’ve only been building my card collection for about a month, during which time I’ve played exactly 5 games of Magic. Meaning, I’m going to get absolutely roflstomped by a bunch of 12-year-olds wielding entire decks of $100 cards that I’ve never seen before.

j.s.

Little known fact: I actually hate hippos. They’re mean, filthy, and rank just behind the mosquito in the “Most Deaths by an Animal in Africa” category. (And this is Africa we’re talking about…a continent laden with more than its fair share of deadly fauna.)

Admittedly, I don’t seem to mind them so much when they’re puppy-sized. Although I bet the Kraken was adorable as a hatchling, and Cthulhu’s mom has some really cute baby pictures.

j.s.