The DeathSick has struck yet again. Although it’s been a couple years since I was truly ill, so I suppose I was due for it.

I spent the entirety of this past weekend melting into a chair in my living room, watching HBO and trying to recall exactly when a puffer fish had climbed into my mouth and built a winter cottage out of penny nails and steel wool.

And while it’s possible that this could’ve been the dreaded Bacon Flu, I don’t really believe so.

First, because I’ve already rounded the sickness nadir (I hope anyway), and my body has started to pull out of the nose dive it was in.
And second, my only symptoms have been stuffed up sinuses, a brutal sore throat, and general thick-headedness. (The latter of which is a nigh constant condition anyway.)

Although I think I was running a fever at one point yesterday too.

Hmm…

Okay, it might be the Bacon Flu.

Regardless, I’m holed up in my office now, reclining to an almost prone position in my chair and very seriously considering giving up on trying to function normally today and simply going back home.

And speaking of my office, I’m about ready to defenestrate the person here who was the source of this DeathSick. I know who it was because I actually balked at touching her keyboard last week when she sounded like she was stuffed up and had throat issues…not entirely unlike I do right now.

Yet she assured me that “no, no, I’m not sick…it’s just my sinuses. I think it’s allergies.”

Allergies my ass you fuckwitted Typhoid Moron. It’s entirely your fault that I was stuck in a beanbag chair all weekend, while I was supposed to be in Fredericksburg drinking wine and relaxing.

Granted, you probably had no idea you were sick since you’re so hopped up on painkillers (to combat the uselessness of your corpulent, decrepit body), that you can barely complete a sentence, never mind grasp the fact that you’re a carrier/breeder for virulent human contagion.

Do you know that I watched Xanadu for almost 20 minutes before I figured out what was going on.

Fucking Xanadu!

I will never forgive you for that.

And to the rest of the Keystone Cubicle Cadre that works here?

If you’re sick, keep your filthy ass at home. Seriously. And if, for whatever reason, you can’t stay home? At least refrain from asking your IT guy over to use the keyboard that you’ve been dripping on all morning.

Me, my fiancee (who was stuck in the house with me all weekend), and my leukocytes will thank you for it.

Asshat.

j.s.

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