Welcome to 1998

So, since I’m seriously considering moving to this little town, I had to do a quick search for their local paper.

The Fulshear Times


Simply horrifying.

Now sure, I could scoff at their probing journalism, given that the only headline on the page is basically: “NEW SUNDAY SCHOOL/DAYCARE TEACHER STARTS AT LOCAL CHURCH
And the copy under the photograph…
Not only does it inform us that this woman attended “Texas Tech in Lubbock” (protip: the inclusion of the city is unnecessary as it’s the main branch of that university. Now if she’d gone to Texas Tech: Beirut, that would be inkworthy), but also that she has 11 and 16-year-old children, and they are “awesome.”
I’ll overlook both of the American flags adorning the left side of the page. (In their defense, one is an advertisement for more American flags.)
And sure, the only colors on the page are a patriotic red, white, black, and blue.
Oh, and I couldn’t help but notice that they’re still advertising January as being National Blood Donor month… *checks date* Early start I suppose.

Yes, we can give them a pass on all these things.

But if you retarded rubes aren’t smart enough to resize that 2.5 meg shot of the aforementioned “NEW SUNDAY SCHOOL/DAYCARE TEACHER…” to a more manageable size, and if you aren’t tech savvy enough to lock down your FTP port, well, you have no business CHARGING PEOPLE for the bullshit that passes for journalism on your website.
You are not the Wall Street Journal.

And if you’re going to charge people $25 for a subscription, you might want to work on your encryption a bit. Because it’s not difficult to figure out your URL naming convention, and thereby get your online “content” for free.


I’ll leave it up to your mental acumen to break the multi-layered, symmetric key, Kryptos-worthy encoding found above.

Good Lord people, you’re going to need to clean your act up a bit if you want me to grace your little burg with my progeny…



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