Dooz…I Duz Them.

So, as I was making my way back to the new Townhouse o’ Horrors with a Jeepload of random detritus collected from the house formerly known as the Shaw residence, I stopped at a gas station for a beverage.

I picked up a bottle of water and began performing the “Dance of the Cramped Gas Station FoodMart.”

Lean to the right to close the refrigerator door!
Pirouette around the spinning map display!
Lift arms while sliding past the chip rack!
Swivel hips past the candy to face Bibhu the attendant, who appears to be unhappily piloting a carcinogen starship.
Shuffle step to avoid getting stuck in the carpet patch by the register!

Anyway, I began The Dance when my gaze locks in on a brightly colored row of soda bottles, all of which are variants on a Mt. Dew theme. I freeze mid-step (which in turn causes Bibhu to yelp and crash into the Skoal Bandits), and I make a snap, ill-advised decision that I must have them all.

[Yes. I drank the regular one on the way home. I’d been moving all day and was thirsty.]


After returning to the Townhouse o’ Horrors, I spent a few minutes spent pondering which one I should test first.
I decided on “Livewire” for no discernable reason other than it happened to be the closest one to my right hand.

  • NAME: Mt. Dew – Livewire
  • COLOR: Nuclear Pumpkin
  • OPHILACTORY AMERINATIONS: The bouquet features a strong citrus scent with slight undertones of yellow #5, and a splash of polyamino carboxylic acid.
  • TASTE: If you melted a “Little Orphan Orange”-flavored Otter Pop and squeezed it into a bottle of club soda, you would have Mt. Dew Livewire.
  • REFRESHMENT FACTOR: My throat did feel as if it were covered in a viscous fluid, yet somehow I still remained thirsty. Therefore I’d rate it as “low.”
  • DEW-Y DECIMAL RATING: 6.5 out of 10. I get where they were going with the whole “let’s make it orange!” motif, but if I were interested in such a thing I’d stick to Orange Drink.
  • Next up: Code Red

    j.s.

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